Let's see, what is new this time in my life? Nothing much really, only a transition in life time and time again.
Of course, you all know about my transition from living in Florida to back in Pennsylvania?
Instead of attending Central High, I went to South Philadelphia High, and now Community College.
I currently reside partially at work and partially at my new found close friend, Elizabeth Ngo. I have known her for years, who would figure that only up until now that I have gotten to know her better.
I have become super self-seeking in order to be happy in life.
I am much more socialable and determined to get up there in my life - in contrast to how i felt a couple of months ago when I was going through depression and suicide.
I have drifted away from my old friends to a group of new ones. Or have I really? Maybe it is the other way around...or maybe it is both ways. Either way, it is inevitable.
I have changed my views of getting into a relationship. For unreasonable reasons I have figured out that I have the luck to find love, but not to keep it.
I have changed my views on sex. It is an enjoyable passtime that is shared by two or more people. Of course my first will always remain special.
My views of the world have also altered. The world is out to get me so I have to outsmart it.
Work rules my life now, so do not try to overthrow it...for you shall fail.
Always remember, I do not feel connected to my family. I have never had a boyfriend before. So the most closest ones to me are my friends. The most important person to me, is myself.
To be born, to grow old, to pass away...is all a part of life, why try to run from it? Why try to hide it? Why try to cheat it? You should embrace it.
A Transition in Life.
From a Friend.
That is quite true, but who is not selfish? I believe in this saying, and I know that I have said this before but, "in a selfish world, only the selfish can succeed."
Will you argue with me that this world is not selfish? Will you argue with me that there is a person in this world that never did or said anything for their own benefit? Will you argue with me that I am wrong?
I do not know if anyone knows this, but selfishness is a sin. Being a sin, it is in our everyday lives. Not only is it a sin, it is the root of all sins, it is greed. Comes greed, comes envy, or a more common term, jealousy. These two sins are so commonly linked that it can almost be one.
Jealousy is a sin because when that jealousy starts to control your mind, you can destroy your friendship to other people. You can also destroy your relationship to other people and you could commit a crime such as killing other people. Also, when a person is jealous, he/she cannot understand a situation. Instead he/she starts a fight with someone and that starts enemies. Not only this, but jealousy is such a powerful thing that it can also cause so much pain to a third party.
Like all bad things there are also good things to counter it. To greed it is charity. Charity: Generosity. Willingness to give. A nobility of thought or actions. To envy it is kindness. Kindness: Satisfaction. Compassion, friendship, and sympathy without prejudice and for its own sake.
I'm Just Spazzing.
if your going to feel sad for yourself about how much pain you're in then stop right there and SHUT UP for a moment.....
-if u didn’t break the relationship off then stop crying
-if u did break it off because of a reason like someone died or because your parents wouldn’t let u or because they weren’t treating u right then stop crying
-if u both had your differences then stop arguing! its good to be different u don’t always have to be the same
-if u both agree on the same stuff but it still didn’t work out then next time try looking for someone DIFFRENT!
-if u got mad because it didn’t work out like how u wanted it to then shut the f**k up because this isn’t your relationship...it's BOTH of you guys relationship
-if u got mad or sad because sometimes it feels like the other one isn’t treating u right then get over it because you're just hurting yourself...their not going to care if u cry
-if u cheated on the other one n regretted...to tell the truth...u really don’t regret it u just regret losing the good one
-if u beat the f**k out of the other partner then that pretty much means that u don’t give a f**k about how they f**ken feel...so don’t lie
-if u got beat up by your partner then that doesn’t mean they love....they don’t even care enough to not lay their hands on you
-if u get pissed off over the smallest little sh*t then u better make sure u know what you’re getting mad over because life's too short to take all of your time on that sh*t
-if you’re always happy because of the person you’re with and only they make u happy...then u need to get a life...if u already have one then u need to get a better one
-if u walk away from your partner n then wonder y they aren’t coming after you then that pretty much means that u do it too f**ken much n their tired of chasing after you...so stop walking away n just talk
-if u were never satisfied with who u were with then don’t push yourself to love them because if u don’t then you’re never going to love them....NO! its never going to happen
-if u have been wit a person for more them a year n the ending wasn’t mutual then u just got f**ked over half the time
-if u lie all the time in ur relationship then no matter what u say later n it was the truth...karma's going to hit u back so don’t lie
-if u got into a relationship to just f**k then f**k n leave...damns!
-if u got into a relationship n the other person said that they fell in love wit u but they only meant to just use u n leave but they fell in love...well then pretty much their lying because their still taking advantage of you
-if you’re always sad because of the last relationship didn’t work out right n it was your fault...well think about it because it wasn’t exactly your fault...because they left you so they weren’t approving of you..unless u just kept on f**king it up then you’re dumb for crying right now
-if u f**ked up the last relationship then don’t try to get into another one thinking that u have learned from your mistakes because People like to mourn in their pains of what has been lost.
Numerous of excuses you've come up with that people have used are simply something that might perhaps comfort them. I suppose people are caught in the moment to not see ahead and beyond what is there.
People are blinded by love or whatever else and never seem to open their eyes to the obvious.
I have Discovered, I am Lost
Reflection on my life.
(this is only to those of you who care to read it.)
Where to start? Let's work with the present for a minute now shall we? It has occurred to me time and time again that my life has been going nowhere but downhill. I have never once in my life thought that I would sink so low in my life....
Now let's start from the beginning. I was born first generation in America as most of the people my age are. My family members have come to America while trying to flee the Vietnam War and the corrupted government of Laos. Being the only one born in America, it also makes me the youngest in the family of five. There is Father, Mother, Brother, Sister, and I. My father was pretty crafty with names and was the person to name me. Again, being the first and only born in America, I was given the meaningful name of Welmanee. "Wel" derived from the word "welcome", and "manee" is the word meaning "to come" or "come here" in Lao. My name was meant to represent the new found life that will be built by my family when they have reached America, Land of the Free. Another thing about my name is that it also means "the gleam - or shine - of a diamond". However, not only I was given a meaningful name, my brother's and sister's names are also meaningful. My brother's name is Phanom. Phanom in Lao is a gesture. It is when you bow, or in the Laotian custom, place two hands together in level with your heart and bow your head. This is a gesture to show respect. In Thai and Lao we also call this to "waii". When my brother was born in the refugee camp, my father and mother did not have much.
Side note: My father was one of the soldiers who fought to eliminate communism.
Now back to what I was saying...everyone in the refugee camps had to share, beg, and trade for the things they needed. Phanom is symbolic for showing respect and thankfulness. Now onwards to my sister. Her name is Sompheo. "Som" means "to get" in the context of "to get what oneself want". "Pheo" was derived from the word "pheo-plao" which means "bright". She was born in Thailand, in another refugee camp close to the time when my father thought life could not get any worst. He wanted her to be able to get anything she wants to in life and to have a bright future. Asians really do give such thoughts to names don't they?
Wow, cannot believe I typed that much about names. Now when my mother was pregnant with me, my family was moving all around America. When they figured to live in California, my mother found out she was three months pregnant with me. HAH! My father knew it would be hard to support the family and even harder to feed another mouth. He then heard from the people in the community of the great city Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love. He was told that things are cheap there, jobs are easy to find with nice pays, and welfare is given to almost anybody! Not long after "consulting" with mother, father started to pack things up and rushed the family all the way to Philadelphia, PA. Then there, I was born into the world at Pennsylvania Hospital, naturally of course.
Now, I was brought into a home that was not quite a home. From when I can start remembering, my brother never associates with the family, father was a heavy drinker and a gambler, mother always does O.T and sister does not quite click with me. All of this, and we lived in the 3rd floor of a house-turned-apartment in the Asian community of South Philadelphia. Yes, to all of you who is familiar with this, Aunts and Uncles everywhere! I always have this feeling of hate because you can never have any privacy. What ever you do or who ever you associate with, someone is bound to know and tell your parents and everyone in the neighborhood in a 3 mile radius - of course, there is seriously nothing that I would have to hide. But there was also things that I love about living there and around the area. I remember the days when the sun was shining bright and yellow. The breeze, a warming sensation. I remember the noises of the people outside in the afternoon. The scent of the barbecue, the laughter of the children, the water pouring out of the water hydrants. The best part is when it is Thai, Lao, Khmer, and Burmese New Year. The huge block party, the traditional music and dancing, the things being sold, the games, the waters being splashed around, the numerous of people coated in shaving cream and baby powder to welcome the new year. Most importantly, the rich culture and happiness during the time.
Not so long, my family moved yet again to another house-turned- apartment. Our landlord owned a corner store across the street and they have always adored me. I always get free candy and nice treats. They were the happiest and most lovely old Korean couple I know - not that I know any other. My...life was great when you were 4.
All hell broke loose when it was my first day of school. I was afraid of my ability to speak English clearly. Although I was born in America, please keep in mind that I was also born into a family and community with people who does not speak English well, if at all. Surprisingly, I did really well in kindergarten and loved it. Ms. Sullivan was the best of the best K teacher I know. Now, the thing is, before I ever started school, the only friends I've ever had were people from the same communities who were all considered cousins. This was the first time I was exposed to a different society, a multi-cultural society. I do not know how your first day of school went, but to me, it was definitely scary. I've never associated with so many different people before and never had to wait to eat my food.
As days gone into weeks, weeks went into months, and months turned into years..I have learned that school was a blessing. School would be like my jail-free card in monopoly and home would be the jail. I have also found out that friends were a godsend! In elementary, I have found so many great friends. It was also the root of a great and strong bond. As I grew older, I learned to ignore the issues in my home. With an abusive father, a helpless mother, a troubled brother, and a bully for a sister, I started to look to my friends for love, care, understanding, and support...for everything I felt my family was lacking. When I got into my 8th grade year, I have found the girls to share my love with: Alysa, Chany, Junly, and Dianna. Of course we all have met and associated throughout elementary and the earlier middle school years, but we never really got to know each other and to love one another until the 8th grade. I must say, there could not have been any other girls I would choose to spend my good and bad times with. Our 8th grade year was one of the most, and I still think it is the most, emotional time of our lives together. For one, my family walked out of my father's life. Two, Chany's father passed away. Three, we were still getting to know each other and learning to accept each other, and trying to mature with one another that it created so much frustration and conflicts. We all have our differences and we learned that it was what made us special and unique. We have all seriously cried every single day.
Of course after 8th grade there comes HIGH SCHOOL. Unfortunately we all made it into Central High - one of the most accelerated high schools - except Junly. She was stuck into a neighborhood school. This marks the beginning of a new beginning. The thing were we scared about just happens to happen. Separation is a pain in the behind. Of course we all live near each other, but 8 hours and fives days a week in school, adding in projects, homework, and - for me - working; oh, not to mention no established way of communication...it was really hard for us to cope with this. Junly is considered the neutral and life-wise person in our circle of friendship...and it pains us so much to see and feel her slipping away. Of course she will always be there and so will her bond, but it's just not the same strong bond anymore.
Speaking about working, I was working with the Youth Leadership Council of the Southeast Philadelphia Collaborative and as an Intern for United Communites in lieu with the National Association of Asian American Professionals.
Comes high school..comes high school dramas...and not just one high school. So many people our age are fighting to make a point. Don't they know that violence does not solve anything? Ever since I can remember, people my age has been gossiping and ganging up on one another. Some were put into jail and others into hospitals.
Question: Who has used violence to solve an issue/problem/situation/dilemma?
Follow up question: Did it really solve anything?
Follow up question to Follow up question: If you say yes it did, then why are you still having the same problems?
Why are there grown people that still fight as if they were children? Are we not capable enough to negotiate? Are we not capable enough to respect, listen, then speak? Are we not capable enough to think and behave as the highly intelligent life-forms we are, or are we still incapable enough that we would think and behave such as animals?
Onwards..Now there are some people that think that as you grow older, life would get easier. LIES LIES LIES LIES! It might apply to those fortunate people, but for us less fortunate people, life is like an endless battle field. We must be driven to get what we want. We must work our way up in life. We must push ourselves to the limit to reach our ultimate goals. All of this, while experiencing the pressures in our daily lives.
Pressures such as competition. The drive to become the best! Whether if it is in the world, the country, the state, the city, the county, the school, the friends, or even within the family.
Pressures such as family. Pushing and shoving you to become the "best". Sometimes, not knowing at all that they are just making things and life harder for you. Sometimes, not knowing at all that they are secretly pushing you to become the best they want you to be..they think you can be...even though the "best" is not what you want. Even though you might know what is "best" for you is not what they think is the "best" for you.
Pressures such as peers and society. the challenge the be "above the influence" and "do the right thing". How can you define what is right and what is wrong? Is doing drugs wrong because you become addicted and it makes you feel good inside while risking your life? If so, is becoming a police right because it makes you feel good inside while risking your life? What people must understand is that a drug addict and a police is both the same. They are still human. They are still capable of thinking. The police can save lives but also be corrupted. A drug addict can hurt oneself but they are not bad people. It is not completely their fault that they look towards drugs is a reliever, or because they are addicted, or because they offer their friends drugs since they think it feels good. side note: not every drug addict pushes drugs. Life as well as people is full of so many different colors and tastes, not just black and white. Not just sweet and bitter. Heck, if you smoke, does that make you a bad person?!
So then into the end of my sophomore year I found that I was depressed. Well, more like, unhappy..extremely unhappy. My father became an alcoholic. The war really did mess him up. Remember how earlier I said he was abusive? Well he was not abusive to me, but he was abusive to my brother. My brother was one of those people who withdrew from blood family and entered into the gang family. His life went downhill and he keeps on getting lower and lower. He could not and cannot stand my abusive, alcoholic father. I can never remember a time when he ever ate at the same table with anyone in the family. Well yes, maybe with just me. He went through what most boys in the community goes through in South Philly. He joined a gang. He fought with guns and knives. He took drugs. He sold drugs. He dropped out of school.
Father is an unemployed mean drunk. End of story.
One day in 8th grade I was sick so mother came to take me home from school. When we reached the house (an actual 2 floor 1.5 bathroom 3 bedroom 1 finished basement house) I went up into my room. Then 5 minutes later I heard yelling. Then 10 minutes later I heard my mother coming up the stairs and she told me to leave with her. I asked was she serious and she said yes. I was completely THRILLED!
You have no idea how long my older siblings, her friends, and I have advised her to leave father, to stand up to him. She was like his slave. She worked for him. Provide him with food, shelter, and money. She gave him her loyalty but he abused it. All he returned her with is nothing, deceit, unfaithfulness.
On the way out of the house I tried to look for my dad but saw blood on the floor of the kitchen. Since the stairway ends in front of the front door, I did not get to go see what happened. My mother and I left without anything. We left and never turned back. Well, the next day I went back for my things, and mother's things, and sister's things (brother was already out the house living with his wife's family). We stayed with a family friend for a while and then moved on into another apartment nearby. It was not easy. I kept getting sick and had no idea why. Mother tried to save up money and to take father's name out of her joint account since all of the money was rightfully hers that he kept withdrawing. Sister was into cheerleading and took long until she got home. There begins my mother's life as a single hardworking parent.
Sister was, and might still be, a bully. End of story.
So into my junior year, which is this year, I became hopeless and helpless. I found no joy in getting out of bed. In seeing my friends. In going to school to further my education. In going to work to make the money from my own abilities I so much loved to do. In eating all of the foods that my hunger always called out for. All I wanted to do was sleep.... and sleep... and sleep. My anemia was not getting any better even though it was being treated. I figured it was tiredness from anemia. As days gone by, I missed one day of school. Then another. Then another. Until it added up to 21 in a 30 day marking period. I found it hard to concentrate and remember things. I found myself crying for no reason for no one to see. I found myself trying to find an alternative to a regular education. I tried to find help. Education was my number one priority, and it is still my number one priority. Speaking to my school counselor, she referred me to a psychiatrist. Speaking to my psychiatrist, referred me to the Crisis Response Center. Being evaluated by four different doctors, I was sent into a Psychiatric Institute. From there, I flew to Florida in 2008.
Florida was great. It is my ideal location to settle down in. When I was there I thought, "Life could not get any better than this." I was enrolled into Dixie Hollins High School for their new semester starting Jan. 20, 2009. But then all hell broke loose again. Mother was diagnosed with stage four uterine sarcoma. Completely incurable. To top that off, my cousin is going to rebuild her house so I had no place to stay. Her family is going to move into her husband's family house for a while and now where am I going to stay?
Well, now I am back to the beginning. I flew back to Philadelphia, PA. Mother is not getting any better and also not getting any worse. Sister goes to college and commutes. Mother cannot really pee so she have tubes sticking out of her back from her kidneys. She has lost so much weight that it is almost not even funny. Of course she cannot work any longer so now she is unemployed and the family have no health care. We are currently living with auntie and uncle on top of their store.
So now I am placed into a neighborhood school since I am a junior and it is the middle of the school year, I do not have to ability to transfer schools. Senior year is even worse because I still cannot transfer since no good school would accept a senior. Now I am stuck down in the dumps in South Philadelphia High School. I know about the times when this high school used to be one of the best. Now it is one of the worse. I have always said that "it is not the school that makes the people but the people that makes the school." Southern would have been such a good school to be in if the students would just try to learn and create a safe and productive learning environment.
Now here I am again trying to find an alternative education since apparently I am getting no where in Southern. It has already been my first three days and I have already missed two. I am currently looking into twilight school. At least I can still get to earn my diploma even though I will have to sacrifice my high school social life. If the school denies me of my rights to alternate into Twilight school (EOP) to get my high school diploma. I plan to go get a GED and begin my life as a college student. Now instead of wanting to sleep, I only want to eat and eat and EAT!
Side note: A GED does not stop you from anything. It is the equivalent to a high school diploma and is accepted by 96% of colleges and universities as well as 98% of the jobs offered to high school graduates. In PA you are able to obtain your GED at 16 or wait until you are 18 to take the test to get it.
I have discovered so much. I am so lost right now. All I know is that Life is not tough. We make it hard on ourselves and blame Life for being unfair. All I know is that I am driven to get my education. To accomplish my goals in life. Taking the hard route does not always mean you are the best. Taking the easy route does not mean you are lazy. In the end, you will always get there. Getting there and accomplishing it to the fullest speaks for itself.
In a selfish world, only the selfish can succeed.
Thank you for reading, May Peace Be With You.